Courtesy of a well known Irish Betting Site.
"I"ve got a Golden Ticket and you don"t have one. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah" shrilled Avram with glee as he skipped into the manager"s lounge, the remnants of a Whipple-Scrumptious Fudgemallow Delight still circumventing his waffle box.
"I already have mine," grumbled Alex, hitting Avram with a look that fell somewhere between mild irritation and total boredom. "Hell, even Moyesy has one."
"Yeah well, I don"t care. I"m still excited and I can"t wait to go to." And with that the bus arrived to take the five lucky managers to the UEFA Cash Factory. When they arrived, who else was there at the front gates to welcome them than Michel "Complete Wonka" Platini. "Come along gentlemen, we have much to see and very little time to see it. If you will just present your Golden Tickets, we can begin."
The managers handed over their tickets and were allowed to pass but as Moyes was about to step through the gate Wonka put an arm across his path. "I""m sorry David," he said solemly "you have a pyrites (fools gold) ticket so you won"t be able to enter the factory. You can however peer through the window if you want ."
With David standing on an empty box, face pressed against a grimy pane of glass, the other four managers followed Platini into the factory. A wonderous place of pure fantasy where money grew on trees and Djimi Traore was a good player. Strange, short, ugly creatures were spotted scurrying from room to room. "Wayne? Carlos? What are you two doing here?"
Wonka brought the party to a stop outside the first room. Above the door were the words "Magical Manager Gum" in bright multi-coloured letters. All four rushed forward to take a look.
"Be careful now," warned Wonka pointing to a sign which read, "Strictly no more than one piece of gum per peson."
Arsene couldn"t see the sign from where he was sitting and promptly stuffed several pieces of Emotion Chew into his Gallic gob.
"Mmm...this one is really sweet, wow and powerful...oh my, this is the most amazing gum I"ve ever tasted in my life. I bet you guys wished you had gum like this. Wait, it"s changing...oh no it"s starting to lose it"s flavour ... uugggh ... now it"s really bitter."
"Oh dear," exclaimed Alex "Your face has gone frightfully red."
"What"s going on?" wailed Arsene" What kind of trick is this Wonka? Why didn"t you warn me? How come no-one else"s gum is changing flavour? This is all your fault...this is everyone else"s fault!"
As the gum turned south and the babbling continued, Wonka stuffed a gob stopper into Arsene"s mouth and Rooney and Carlos carted him away.
"Don"t worry, the gobstopper will keep him quiet and get rid of the bitter after taste," assured Wonka. "Right, on to our next stop."
To get there the managers had to take a boat through the middle of the factory and once aboard Wonka bursts out in to song.
"Come with me
Rafa B
To a world of
Pure Imagination
Where you"re
top of the league
And Man U face relegation
Stevie G
Smiles with glee
and laughs off
his team-mate"s abberations
Dirk Kuyt scores for fun
And Kewell needs no more operations"
At which point Rafa mutters "Estoy hasta los pelatos" leaps into the chocolate river and starts swimming back to Liverpool. He"ll know when he gets there - the water looks the same but doesn"t taste of chocolate anymore.
When the boat comes to a stop Wonka realises Avram has gone missing without anyone noticing. A quick shrug of the shoulders and the tour continues with just Alex remaining. "So Alex, would you like to try our range of wines or how about our magi...Alex? Where on earth has he gone?"
By the time Wonka gets to the winery, all of 60 seconds later, the Scotsman is on to his 8th bottle of a rich bodied domestic red. He was eager to try a fancy looking European plonk but all that was left was one empty bottle covered in chocolate fingerprints.
"Alex, it seems you are the only one who managed to survive the tour, although all that wine is making your face turn a very peculiar colour and seems to be making you very arrogant and smug."
"I feel perfectly normal. So are you going to retire now and let me run the factory?"
"Eh...no...on second thoughts I think I"m going to hang around a few more years to oversee the expansion. I really want to be a success on the European market. Sorry about that, you understand right?"
And with that the bizarre and seemingly pointless story came to an unsatisfying end. Now we all know what it means to be a Liverpool fan.
