Author Topic: Duke attempts the Impossible  (Read 1412483 times)

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duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #405 on: February 24, 2009, 17:25:30 PM »

Laxie

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #406 on: February 25, 2009, 17:09:15 PM »

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #407 on: February 25, 2009, 17:50:28 PM »


Atta Girl Sinead, but next time get your retaliation in first....

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #408 on: February 25, 2009, 17:54:47 PM »
I was on my home today and I had radio 2 on, Chris Evans was discussing dishcloth"s and how dirty they got. He had a Doctor of Hygene on and they were putting forward all sorts of ways to keep the place clean from germs.

Antibacterial sprays, bleach, scalding water etc etc

Now while I agree that things have to be kept clean, but are we "Too" clean. Are we obsessed to the point where our children no longer have any immunity to germs because they are never exposed to them. Is this why diseases seem to be more prevalent - or am I talking b0llocks..

Feel free to discuss

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #409 on: February 25, 2009, 17:57:33 PM »
A Poem For Those Over 30

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bites.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A curser used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the rubbish
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You"d be in jail for awhile.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a back up happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider"s home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I"ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody"s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they"ll wish they were dead.

lukybugur

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #410 on: February 25, 2009, 18:19:36 PM »
Excellent Ger.

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #411 on: February 26, 2009, 17:33:12 PM »
There are appoximately 6.6 billion people on this planet of ours and it would be hard to believe in the theory of six degrees of separation. This theory  contends that, because we are all linked by chains of acquaintance, you are just six introductions away from any other person on the planet.

A "degree of separation" is a measure of social distance between people. You are one degree away from everyone you know, two degrees away from everyone they know, and so on. The concept was popularised by John Guare"s 1990 play, Six Degrees of Separation, which was turned into a film starring Will Smith.

If you take the current president of America Barack Obama and me we can prove 6 degrees of separation.

Ger Smyth is friends with Keith Wood (ex Ireland rugby player and TV pundit)

Keith Wood is friends with Mike Tindall

Mike Tindall is going out with Zara Philips

Zara Philips' grandmother is the Queen of England

The Queen's Prime minister is Gordon Brown

Gordon Brown knows Barack Obama

For fun try it with these famous figures and post them up here (all people in the chain must be alive and kicking)

Nelson Mandela
Muhammad Ali
Robert Mugabe
Mel Gibson
Ronnie Biggs

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #412 on: February 26, 2009, 17:41:13 PM »
Cancel, Retry, Ignore

Once upon a midnight dreary,
Fingers cramped and vision bleary,
Player notes piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of duvets sinning,
Still I sat here playing poker and winning:
Having reached the big decision, I took a ciggy from the drawer.

Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the "All in" command
But got instead a reprimand: it read, "Cancel, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion?
Some manacal type intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.

Carefully I weighed my options...
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly I must now adopt one; choose: Cancel, Retry, Ignore?
With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored

Praying for some guarantee,
Finally I pressed a key.
But what on the screen did I see? Again "Cancel, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard -
I pressed again, but twice as hard,
But luck was just not on the cards, I saw what I had seen before.

Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation "Cancel, Retry, Ignore."
There I sat, distraught, exhausted,
By my own machine accosted
getting up, I turned away and paced across the kitchen floor.

And then I saw an awful sight
A bold and blinding flash of light
A lightening bolt that cut the night, and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died.
"OH NO! MY BANKROLL!" I cried.
I heard a distant voice reply, "You"ll see your money...nevermore!"

To this day I do not know
The place to which our money goes.
perhaps it goes to heaven, where the angels have it stored.
But as for Profitability, well,
I fear this has gone straight to Hell.
And that"s the tale I have to tell - your choice: Cancel, Retry, Ignore.

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #413 on: February 27, 2009, 17:19:43 PM »
I got a call on my mobile this morning, I looked at the number before answering and it was an 0845 number. I answered it and a disembodied voice replied.

"This.. is.. a.. call.. from.. LloydsTsb.. concerning. your. current. account."

(I'll stop typing like that now, but you get the message)

"Please listen to the whole message"

Then it went trough some security stuff and told me they were concerned about some of my recent transactions. It then said it would relay my five most recent transactions and that I must confirm that I agreed with them.

I confirmed they were mine and thought that that was good security from my bank. Then the sinker.

"We hope you appreciate that LloydsTsb will continue to monitor your account for your own security. You have been charged for this call"

As a tax payer I must own some of this bank, they rang me and then they charged me for the call.  Love the business model how the hell are they losing money..

. priceless

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #414 on: February 28, 2009, 13:40:49 PM »
I got up one Saturday morning, feeling a little tender, looking forward to the prerequisite Lucozade and wagon wheel when I looked out the window. There was a space where my car should be.

FFS I know I didn't drive home last night, but I was certain I didn't drive to where I was going either. So the car should have been there where I left it after coming home from work.

Think.

I know I started off in Mike's then went on to Scarriff, but to be honest the end of the night was a little hazy to say the least. I was certain that it wasn't nicked because it was as bad a pile of junk as you ever did see and no self respecting thief would be seen dead in it. Now I could report it stolen and have the Guards find it for me. But the Guards couldn't find water if they fell out of a boat.  It'll come to me, I went out into the shop.

"Where's your car" says the ould lad

Now I wasn't going to say I didn't know, was I

"I left it in Scarriff last night, didn't want to drive home" says I
"Makes a fecking change" says the ould lad, ever the Mr nice guy
"I didn't hear you drive off last evening" continued the ould lad
"Aye it's running good that old car" says I

He gave me a look usually reserved for people who have just robbed him of his last pound and I finished my Lucozade and wagon wheel and went out, first stop Mike's. The car wasn't outside and I went in and the usual cronies were there. I ordered a pint and tried to think. Nope I hadn't a clue. 

I cadged a lift to Scarriff and did a quick scan before going into Henchy's. Nope, no sign.

Sigh. It was a nice day anyway so I had a couple of pints, played a few games of 45 and basically did what I usually did on a Saturday, continued on the lash. The Craic was good that day and the music that night was very good and the girls were looking exceptionally beautiful that evening.

I woke up the next morning with a monumental hangover and looked out the window. The car was there outside my window as usual. WTF now I was really getting paranoid. I got washed and dressed and went to mass and returned to the shop for the usual Sunday morning rush.

"Drove fecking home then last night" says the ould lad. Bugger !
"No" says I
"Then how the feck did the car get there this morning" says he
"I dropped it back during the afternoon" lied I
"Feck off" says he "I would have heard you"
"Old age Da, you didn't hear me leave either" says I, not turning to dust with the withering look that I got

The rush over, I went into the kitchen and greeted my sainted mother.

"Freddie Welch left this for you" says she

There was a six pack of drink on the table. WTF

"That was nice of you to lend your car to Freddie on Friday so he could have the car for the day to go to Limerick, he dropped it back last night while your father was in bed" Thank God for that

"You're such a good boy" says she

Promises were made that day concerning drink that of course were never kept..

Priceless days sorely missed

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #415 on: February 28, 2009, 13:49:27 PM »
one part of my usual 6 nations treble crashed and burned last night

I have Scotland to win against Italy

and of course Ireland to defeat the "Ould Enemy"




Shogun112

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #416 on: February 28, 2009, 16:03:10 PM »
For those of you that can remember back in this thread, I am The Duke"s next door neighbour.  I was looking through some old pics and found this one..

PRICELESS...!!!



www.rooms-direct.co.uk if you want some discount email me and tell me you are from APAT.

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #417 on: February 28, 2009, 21:22:20 PM »
sigh - I was younger then

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #418 on: February 28, 2009, 21:51:13 PM »
the match was close -- but I am sooooooo happy

no offence

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #419 on: March 01, 2009, 10:03:14 AM »