Duke attempts the Impossible

[duke3016]

The River Shannon  is, at 386 km (240 miles), the longest river in Ireland. The river represents a major physical barrier between east and west, with fewer than twenty crossing-points between Limerick city in the south and the village of Dowra in the north.

By tradition the Shannon is said to rise in the Shannon Pot, a small pool on the slopes of Cuilcagh Mountain in County Cavan.

It is a favourite for pleasure cruises because, as far as I can remember, it only has 3 or 4 locks in it's entire length. One summer myself, Frank Ryne, Michael O'Meara and Denis Touhy decided to take a week on one of these cruisers.

My mother, bless her, had filled a box full of provisions for the week and when we arrived we were pleasantly surprised to find that our 4 berth had been upgraded to a 6 berth complete with large fridge. The box of provisions was stored in a cupboard, a fridge is for beer right.

Mike was a total abstainer and never drank in his life, however he was as mad as a hatter and therefore was given the task of driving the boat, while we got bladdered. We started in Killaloe and drove (sailed?) north. We had decided to go as far as we could on the first day, but only made the far side of Lough Derg because there was a nice pub in Garrykennedy, sigh don't dive off a moored boad while pissed and there is only 3 feet of water.

The next day we headed north again and managed to make shannonbridge, it was a nice trip and we had great Craic on the way (more detail later). On day 4 we had to turn back and head south and the first lock we entered on the way back had room for 4 boats. We nudged our way in and bumped the boat next to us and got a mouthful of abuse from some Dutch tourists and it was all we could do to stop Denis organising a boarding party.

Because there was a very small fixed price for using the lock we used to tip the keeper handsomely for his time. It was a lovely day and there was another boat making its way to the lock. It looked about 10-15 minutes away and as there was room in the lock the keeper was waiting, so we didn't care. However the Dutch crew was giving the keeper a hard time about the wait (also they had only paid him the minimum) and it was getting a little heated. We had to sit on Denis for a second time.

When the boat arrived and it was in the lock the keeper shut the gates. When you go down the river it drops obviously so you keep a loose rope through the fixed eyelet on the wall and feed the rope through as you go down in order to keep the boat from bumping other boats. We had had enough of that.

I looked across and noticed that the Dutch had tied their ropes to the wall while they were waiting and had forgotten to release them. I was about to shout across when then keeper caught my eye and shook his head. I stayed quiet and watched.

As the level dropped the rope got taught and by the time the Dutch had noticed their mistake the rope was too tightly strung to undo it. Well the boat started to lean and the Dutch were scrabbling about trying to reach the ropes, falling about as the boat leaned more and more. Then the cleats on the boat cracked with the weight and popped out causing a huge amount of damage and the boat dropped with a splash.

Well we were in bits as we drove out of the lock whilst stopping Denis from taking off a particularly gobby tourist's head with the bill hook.

priceless

[MintTrav]

I can see the family resemblance! That photo must be like looking in a mirror for you.

Were you the only one or did others get awards as well?

Which of these is the closest?
- First Irishman in space
- World record for hula-hooping
- Supporting the Irish brewing industry during a difficult period
- Did you precede Vincent Pilkington as the fastest turkey-plucker in the world?http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/records/amazing_feats/unusual_skills/fastest_time_to_pluck_a_turkey.aspx

[duke3016]

None near -- however it was for giving assistance

Edit: sorry there was a few of us

[duke3016]

He is now officially my hero

Quote from Guinness World Records

"Vincent Pilkington of Cootehill, County Cavan, Republic of Ireland, plucked a turkey in 1 minute 30 seconds on November 17, 1980. His past best time was 2 minutes 44 seconds. Vincent is so enthusiastic about his skills that he even carried out 24 hours of turkey plucking to raise funds for his local Holy Family School. In this time he plucked 244 turkeys."

fasted plucker in the world -- what a plucker -- fair plucks to him

[duke3016]

On the Shannon when we pulled into Dromod and parked (moored?) the boat, we strolled up town for a few pints. As I said Mike didn't drink but was absolutely, stark, raving, mad. We were in this establishment and were having a good time and Frank (who was hard to understand at the best of times) was getting incomprehensible. Some soft lad asked him a question.

"You're not from here" says soft lad
"Gerrawayay" says Frank
"Where are you from then" says soft lad
"lisshaonorrr" says Frank
"Where?" says soft lad
"Feshking Lisshonnnnorr" says Frank loudly
"You taking the piss" says soft lad
"whaddayaymeansh" says Frank

At this point Mike ups and takes a lump out of soft lad, soft lad's brother takes a lump out of me and Denis, bless him throws a punch and of course misses landing in a heap on the floor where he stayed for the rest of the evening.

Frank, who had trouble focusing at the best of times, was shouting at the top of his voice in a language unknown to all of us. The scrap, mid melee,  paused as we all watched and listened in wonder at this speech in a language most alien.

It was wonderous, not one word was understood by anyone. We all sat down and reached for our drinks looking at each other in bewilderment as Frank continued for a good 20 minutes of ranting.

He eventually stopped took a bow and passed out on the floor. Soft lad and his friends helped us get Denis and Frank back to the boat and we toasted their health to the wee hours as the two boys snored in happy slumber.

The following morning when Frank awoke and was asked about the night before, he looked at us with disgust. It turned out that he thought that soft lad wanted him to sing and as he couldn't sing he recited the whole of the "Midnight Court" by Brian Merriman.

Well I congratulated him on his mastery of the Irish Language and his memory.

"Irish, I can't speak a word, that was all in English" says he..

Priceless

[duke3016]

Home game went as normal tonight

KK -- K on flop - fish kept calling and filled a flush
Flush on turn -- bet out -- called  -- spade on river for a bigger flush -- he had the A (the river filled his flush)
Allin with shiite -- hope on turn -- disaster on river

Normal

Second game about to start

[MAIR]

GL TID

[duke3016]

GL TID

Bokked

I bet every street (OK I had KJ) on a A Q 8 flop

a 3 turn

and all in on a 9 river

I was called by




7 7


FML or am I that transparent

[KarmaDope]

GL TID

Bokked

I bet every street (OK I had KJ) on a A Q 8 flop

a 3 turn

and all in on a 9 river

I was called by




7 7


FML or am I that transparent

Depends who it is calling ya down!!

[duke3016]

You were missing -- it was Scotty FFS

[KarmaDope]

Of course I was missing, I live 250+ miles away now

Scotty called you down - wow, must have been giving off a tell!

[duke3016]

My sister Maria was over on holiday from England and was joined by her then boyfriend Neville. Now, I was staying below in the house opposite the church at the time and to prevent any nocturnal hanky panky my Father demanded Maria slept above by the shop and Neville would bunk down with me.


"Remove the temptation, remove the inevitable outcome" he growled


Now Neville stood about 6' 4" in his socks and was built like a brick Shiite House with a huge mop of unruly black hair. He was a lovely lad and he should have gone on and married the sister, but didn't, and that's another story...

Early one morning there was a rap at the door and I got up and answered it to find Josie Gleeson in a bit of a state. Now Josie and her brother Mick were well into their eighties and lived next to the church nearly opposite our house.

"Ger, you'd better come I think Mick is dead" cried Josie,
"Right Maam lets go and see" says I

Neville called to see if he could assist and I told him to stay there and I'd be back shortly.


Josie had crossed the road and I scampered across and we entered through the back door and into the living room and sure enough Mick was in the chair still and serene in repose. I did a quick check and sure enough the poor misfortune had indeed passed away.

"Sorry for your troubles Josie, Mick has indeed passed on" says I
"We must say a decade of the rosary" says she

So we removed Mick's shoes, something Josie insisted upon, lit a couple of candles and knelt down to say the rosary.

At that particular moment Neville appeared at the back door. The sun was just rising and was directly behind him and he filled the door with an eerie glow of the morning sun around him,

"Hi, it's Neville, I've come to help" he growled in his deep voice

Well, Josie let out one hell of a scream and promptly fainted on the floor at Mick's feet.

"Go and get my Father" says I and Neville headed off.

Josie started to come round and I helped her into a chair.

"Who was that" she stammered
"That was Neville, Maria's boyfriend over from England" says I
"Thank God" says she "I thought he said he was the Devil come to take Mick"


I phoned the Doctor and he said he was on his way. In the meantime my father had arrived and I shot to the back door to tell Neville he had better nip back over to the house as Josie was still a little apprehensive about letting the "devil" into her house.

Doctor Flynn arrived and in his best bedside manner promptly declared Mick dead (No Shiite Sherlock) and demanded £20 for his troubles. I knew I should have gone to medical school.

The ould lad, ever the entrepreneur, sealed the rights to the funeral and proceeded to make arrangements.


Innocent times sorely missed,

[duke3016]

Lock up all virtuous women
Cancel the leave of all loose women
Double the beer order
Order the ear plugs
Brush off the yellow cards


CHEZGER are going on tour, with plenty of notice --

Date: November 2009
Venue: Las Vegas

all welcome on the tour bus. start saving and join the legendary crew

The Charge Of Chezger Brigade (With apologies to Alfred, Lord Tennyson)
Memorializing Events in the Battle of Las Vegas, April 2008


Half a brain half a brain,
Half a brain between them,
All in the valley of Vegas
Rode the six hunted:
"Forward, the Chezger Brigade!
Charge for the tables" he said:
Into the valley of Vegas
Rode the six hunted.

"Forward, the Chezger Brigade!"
Was there a man dismay"d ?
Not tho" the dealer knew
Some one had blunder"d:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but raise, call or die,
Into the valley of Vegas
Rode the six hunted.

Shogun to right of them,
Slider to left of them,
Technolog in front of them
Duke & Dan350 thunder"d;
RichEo at cash and ringing the bell,
Boldly they played and well,
Into the flops of Death,
Into the raises from Hell
Rode the six hunted.

Flush"d all their cards bare,
Flush"d as they turn"d nowhere
Raising the eejits there,
Charging a casino while
All the world wonder"d:
Plunged in the cigarette-smoke
Right thro" the line they broke;
American & Canadian
Reel"d from the master-stroke,
Shatter"d & sunder"d.
Then they sat back, but not
Not the six hunted.

Shogun to right of them,
Slider to left of them,
Technolog in front of them
Duke & Dan350 thunder"d;
RichEo at cash and ringing the bell,
While one or two of them fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro" the jaws of Vegas,
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
Left of six hunted.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild plays they made!
All the world wonder"d.
Honour the trip they made!
Honour the Chezger Brigade,
Noble six hunted!

[Laxie]

GL TID

Bokked

I bet every street (OK I had KJ) on a A Q 8 flop

a 3 turn

and all in on a 9 river

I was called by




7 7


FML or am I that transparent

Against you?  Live?!  That"s an insta call!  

[duke3016]

GL TID

Bokked

I bet every street (OK I had KJ) on a A Q 8 flop

a 3 turn

and all in on a 9 river

I was called by




7 7


FML or am I that transparent

Against you?  Live?!  That"s an insta call!  

 JUST