Duke attempts the Impossible

[duke3016]

What I hate about Christmas

1. Christmas Cards
Nothing says "I don"t really give a feck about you" like a Christmas card that comes out of a box of twenty identical Christmas cards. Also if anyone e-mails me a Christmas picture this year, I will track them down and do interesting things to them with a fork.

2 CHRISTMAS TREES
At our house, we have the same artificial tree for the last 15 years (Which incidently is not going up this year). So why buy a real one? For the pine scent? (Go out and sniff a pine cone) For the joy of vacuuming pine needles off the rug every day? What?? I don"t get it. And then, after New Year"s Day, you see the most depressing thing ever: all the dead, rejected trees sitting outside, waiting to be taken to the dump. Mutilate a living thing, take it home, hang shiite on it, then kick it to the dump: That"s everything evil about Christmas in a nutshell.

3 CHRISTMAS PARTIES
Especially work-related. My Christmas party this year comes after a long day for me. After such a day, I want to go home and be alone. Then every year there"s some sort of idiotic theme to the gift-giving (more on that later). This year, though, everyone has to buy something red. (I was going to give a vial of my own blood, but I didn"t think that would go down too well.)

4 CHRISTMAS GREED
This time of year is when you start overhearing the little brats screaming to their parents that they want the toy du jour. Parents are caught in a cruel bind: They can"t very well say "Sorry, kids, xxxxxx are expensive and hard to find," because then the little shiites will just ask Santa for one. So the parents pretty much have to pay through the nose for it anyway.

5 CHRISTMAS CAROLS
There are three TWISTED CHRISTMAS records -- The cattle-prod rendition of "O Holy Night", "A Christmas Carol" and "12 Days of Christmas" ("On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me -- a beer"). All Christmas music should be  dumped into a large hole, set on fire, and pissed on.

6 CHRISTMAS MOVIES
I only recognize two Christmas movies: SCROOGED (for Bill Murray) and ONE MAGIC CHRISTMAS (for sick laughs)

7 A CHRISTMAS CAROL
There are several good modern variations on it, but you know what? Dickens" perennial fable of redemption is the granddaddy of a thousand lame movie.

8 CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
The insanity begins in November, when anyone with two brain cells to rub together will stay the hell away from anything resembling a shop. Somehow, though, the idiots come out in force every year. And there"s no let-up until at least the second week of January, because even after Christmas, people return their shiitty gifts. And it"s not as if the Christmas shopping season begins in November: you start seeing Christmas commercials and store decorations as early as October. Which brings me to...

9 CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS (EARLY-BIRDS)
The only thing worse than the moron who waits until December 24 to do all his or her Christmas shopping is the smug woman who has all her shopping done by July. That"s not misogynist: It"s always women who shop this far in advance. (Name three men who have their shopping done before December.) Now, so as not to piss off (women) who conscientiously buy their Christmas gifts a little at a time during the year: I am speaking here of the ones who can"t resist telling you, "Oh, I got all my shopping done before July." In other words: It"s fine by me if they do it; I just don"t want to hear it. Because it makes me want to divide such people into 17 asymmetrical pieces. So for those people, some advice: If the topic comes up ... lie. Claim that you"re even farther behind on your shopping than the rest of us. That"s the best gift you can give your friends.

10 CHRISTMAS GIFTS
The whole giving-and-getting thing is complete bollix: When you exchange gifts with someone, you feel bad if the gift you gave them is cheaper than the gift they gave you; you also feel bad if it"s the reverse. "Wow, a DVD player! Uh ... thanks ... I got you a bag of crisps." You calculate just how much to spend on each person, which means you"re basically putting a price on your love. How much is your mother worth? £150? £200? How about your cousin? One great reason to stay away from romance is the agonising over what to get your boy/girlfriend that first Christmas. And what to get his/her parents, siblings, etc....And of course he/she (usually she) will say, "You don"t have to get me anything. Just as long as we can spend Christmas together." This, let me tell you, is absolute crap.

Have a good festive season  

[Laxie]

I"m with you Ger.  100%  Stupid feckin holiday anyway.

[Eck]

LOL yer a pair of miserable feckers

[SirPercival]

Are we getting a "What I love about Christmas".

I guess along the lines of

1. FOOD

2. DRINK

3. LEFT OVER FOOD

4. MORE DRINK

actually, now I think about it they are in the wrong order aren"t they?

[Laxie]

More importantly...why has "Food" got 2 lines?!  They don"t know us at all Ger.  Sigh.

[duke3016]

10 things to get the woman of your life for Christmas

1.A nice eternity necklace

A perfect gift to those who want to show their woman that they want to be with them forever, shaped like a noose and coming complete with a scaffold

2. A promise ring

This always works and you can keep your promise to push her under the nearest bus

3. Teddy Bears

Teddy bears will never die out! Girls love stuffed animals, especially if you spray a little of your arsenic compound all over it.

4. What she wants

If she had ever told you what she wanted try to keep that stored in your memory. Then get her the exact opposite of what she asked for. She will hate you for it.

5. His/Her gift

They have so many couples gifts that it makes it easy to shop for her perfect gift. For example, his/her power tools let her know that you want people to know you're taken by her and vice versa. There are also season tickets, blow up dolls and a year's subscription to Poker News

6. Perfume

An easy way out is to get her perfume. Go to the market and ask the nearest old age pensioner what her favourite smell is.

7. Shopping

Take her out shopping. A girl will go crazy if you tell her, "Sweetheart for Christmas I"m taking you shopping." Most girls will not believe their ears because lets be real, men never do this. Then tell her that her bum looks big in everything.

8. A Pet

Get her a pet! A Rottweiler, alligator anything really that will take lumps out of her

9. Make her a card

Yes, lads I said make not buy. Then you can put in a mercury switch wired to some semtex.

10. Original present

Pretend to put yourself in an oversize box in order to surprise her. Wire this box to the National Grid.


Believe me she will love you for this.  

[lukybugur]

Duke

Hates; Christmas and Women

Likes; Poker and Drink

Bit of a lad"s lad ain"t ya Ger??  

[duke3016]

Hoi - you will be starting rumours  

[duke3016]

[duke3016]

Making one's true love happy will cost a whopping £87,403 this year, a fairly small increase on last year.

That's the grand total for the single partridge in a pear tree to the 12 drummers drumming, purchased repeatedly as the song suggests. The price is up a mere £794, or less than 1 percent, from £86,609 last year.

The cost of buying each item just once is increasing this year to £21,466, up 1.8 percent from last year's £21,081.
The modest increase is due to lower energy costs and fewer wage increases.

The main driver behind the higher cost is that the price of gold has increased 43 percent, bringing the five gold rings up £150 to £500.

Although wage increases were modest, nine ladies dancing, at £5,473 per performance, is the costliest item, surpassing that of any of the material goods.

The most expensive goods are the seven swans a-swimming at £5,250, but their cost decreased 6.3 percent from last year's £5,600. Their cost tends to be the most volatile because of supply and demand; they were up 33 percent last year over 2007.

Costs for the 10 lords a-leaping (£4,414 per performance), 11 pipers piping (£2,285 per performance) and 12 drummers drumming (£2,475 per performance) remained the same as last year. This reflects the labour market in which the unemployment rate has risen.

And for those who would shop online, a word of caution.

Buying each item once on the internet will cost £31,435, which is down from last year's online price, but still about £10,000 more than in the traditional index.

In general, Internet prices are higher than their non-Internet counterparts because of shipping costs for birds and the convenience factor of shopping online.


Have a nice time buying your pressies

[SirPercival]

I would guess you could buy nine ladies dancing, on the internet, for a lot less than $5,743.

[Marty719]

Yea......................."guess"  

[duke3016]

I would guess you could buy nine ladies dancing, on the internet, for a lot less than $5,743.

That would get you 4 women in the Saphire club in Vegas for 4 hours (or so I was led to believe)  

[Laxie]

I would guess you could buy nine ladies dancing, on the internet, for a lot less than $5,743.

That would get you 4 women in the Saphire club in Vegas for 4 hours (or so I was led to believe)  

, but I"d bet they can"t work a dove soap dispenser HALF as good as the 2 Dubs.  Just sayin...........

[duke3016]

Every once in a while you decide the world and his Mother is out to get you. Well, they are. I have a few poker sites on the laptop, all the usual suspects, and they all have one thing in common. They are out to shaft me. I think that every time I sign on to a site it rings a bell deep in the bowels of that particular organisation alerting some wizened Gnome to action. Rubbing his hands with glee (not unlike the action of Sitting Bull when he saw General Custer coming down the valley) he sets the wheels in motion.

"Right let's see, give him QQ  and give the loosest player on the table 10 7 and ping a 7 7 2 flop"

"OK next, give him AA and let two other aggressive players on the table have QQ and AK respectively so we get a guaranteed three way all in. Then give him a bit of hope with a A 10 2 rainbow flop, Pop a Q on the turn to give the QQ man a bit of hope (after all he pissed us off by winning yesterday). Then provide the killer blow (let's delay the river by a few seconds) and smack a J down to give the AK man his straight

"We have analysed his play and games will be over quicker if we get rid of him early"

My life is being controlled by machines (well one machine interface, multi machine cartels out to get me) but I am about to fight back.

No longer will my life revolve around my laptop, no longer will I be a slave to its constant bleeping, pinging ways. Tonight will be the first night in two years that whilst being at home I have not played Internet Poker. I am free, free I tell you.

How is an addicted man such as me going to stay internet poker free I hear you say? It's easy, the laptop failed the "fling it against the wall" test last night and I have to rebuild the spare one.

Fk my life

By the way £5 to charity for this God awful whinging blog post