Duke attempts the Impossible

[Waz1892]

a win is a win!..nice one.

[MAIR]

a win is a win!..nice one.

definetely n1 ger

[duke3016]

[duke3016]

Now as you may have gathered from previous posts we owned a shop in the village. Now this had certain challenges as the shop had to be open from approx 6.00am until 10pm throughout the year. This partly made my mind up not to be a retailer. We sold everything from a needle to attachments for tractors and baby milk to feedstuff for cattle.

An annoying, but essential, aspect of the business was the amount of credit that had to be extended. This was important because a small farmer's income was by no means regular (except perhaps if they were dairy farming and were getting a monthly milk cheque). This meant that we would get paid when they got paid for cattle sales, crop sales etc.

Normally they were an honest bunch and paid when they got their money. There was always a few who would, sometimes through necessity, neglect to pay on time and these would have to be chased personally. Cue the next episode.

"Ger, come in here" boomed the ould lad from the kitchen
"What?" says I, wandering in.

He threw a pile of pages on the table and I immediately knew what they were.

"Oh No, why can't you do the debtors round" says I
"It's better if you do it" says he
"Why?" says I

He let out a sigh like a patient parent to a two year old.

"Because, obviously, they will hate you when you demand the money and still shop with me, because, after you have secured their money I will apologise for your heavy handed methods and all will be rosy in the garden"

"Heavy handed methods? What heavy handed methods?" questioned I
"You will not return without the monies" snarled he. "It'll be a win/win situation I get the money and they still shop with me"
"But they will hate me" says I
"Aye, win/win/win" says he

FML.. collection stories on their way......

[SirPercival]

Looking forward to the next episode of this thread....

coming so........  oops, nearly.

[Swinebag]

coming tsun hopefully

[KarmaDope]

Flight Lieutenant Carl Lybert took off from the club at around 8.30pm and after achieving Mach 2 on the A51/M6/M56 we touched down at Bargain Booze @ 21.55. A new world record for the trip I believe.

That is very impressive. Journey"s 2hrs normally at 70mph!

[duke3016]

There was no going back now, the job of collecting owed monies was mine. So, I sat down and thought about the best way of doing this thankless job. I hit on dividing the pile of paper into 3 smaller piles.

Pile 1.
This pile would be the people, who in my opinion would pay up on request. This was the "easy" pile.

Pile 2.
This pile would be the people who would take a wee bit of persuading in order to prise at least some percentage of the owed money from their wallets. This was the "maybe" pile.

Pile 3.
This lot would need a lot of persuading and in fact for some of them I would be lucky to get away with my person intact. This was the "no effing way" pile.


"Well what's your plan" says the ould lad
"I will use my charm and charisma to collect the money" says I
"FFS that's a plan?" says he.

A quick bit of totting up revealed an outstanding amount of approximately £10,000 which was a huge amount of money and represented around about 5% of the shops annual turnover. Before setting off I tried unsuccessfully to negotiate a collector's fee and was told that my continued good health was in the balance and I should be honoured to be doing this for the family business.

The piles unfortunately did not break out evenly in the money total stakes. "Easy" represented around 20% of the monies owed, "maybe's" represented 30% and the "no effing way" pile was a whopping 50%. This was going to be a tough ask.

I reckoned that I could mop up the "easy" pile in the morning return for dinner and attack the "maybe" pile in the afternoon, leaving a full day for the "no effing way" pile.

As I thought the "easy" pile was no bother at all with all people paying up with the minimum of fuss and just a few comments about my father's heritage. No dogs were set on me and I wasn't threatened with disembowelling by pitchfork. I returned around lunchtime with the money and the ould lad was positively beaming as I deposited the cash on the table.

"Any defaulters so far" says he
"No, my powers of persuasion are legendary" says I
"Went to the easy one's first then" says he
"F*** off" thought I.

Now for the "Maybes"

Contd.........

[MAIR]

can"t wait to hear the rest of this one

[duke3016]

before the next installment - I am watching Piers Mogan on Marbella - and don"t get me started on pompous rich kids FFS --- they need a good dose of reality

grumpy rant will inevitably follow

[duke3016]

Now the "maybes" were not a bad lot and in some cases they paid up after a good haggle and me having to listen to a few tales of woe about how I was taking the food from the mouths of their children. In one case, after a particularly long whinge and a bread and water speech, I was given a couple of hundred pounds. The unusual part of this was the farmer reached into the glove compartment of his brand new NSU RO80 and extracted a roll of notes well in excess of the total amount of the whole debt, don't mind his portion of it.

"FFS John why hold out paying, when you have it" says I
"To annoy your Father" says he
"Fair enough" says I

Now, as expected the word had got round that I was on the annual debt collection round. Therefore it was no surprise that in a few cases as I rolled up the drive all that was missing was the tumbleweed to complete a scene of desertion. In these cases I would lay on knocking at the door and not give up until it was opened out of sheer frustration.

"Oh it's you Ger, I didn't hear you knocking" this despite the fact that I probably annoyed his nearest neighbour with my knocking and he lives over half a mile away. This was commonly known as the "debtors knock".

"What can I do for you" says he
"It's that time again" says I, handing him his bill
"Ah" says he "Wow is it that much"

This was the starting point and I could write the script for this. First would come the incredulous attitude to the amount. Second would come the reluctant acceptance of said amount. Third would come the offer of part payment and the merry dance of haggling would begin.

Say the bill was £500.

"I can give you £100 now and the rest later" says he
"Come on Pat, you know the ould lad will skin me if I accept that" replies I
"Aye but Ger times are hard" says he
"Yes, I noticed how hard they are in Mike's last night" says I
"A man's got to have some enjoyment, £200 and that's me skint" says he
"FFS Pat it's not a charity we are running" says I

To and fro, thrust and parry, bitch and moan and eventually I would get the full amount, knowing that he would start another line of credit tomorrow and this conversation would take place again in the future. The point of this escaped me as he knew he would pay me, I knew he would pay me, but we had to observe the ritual.

I would take my leave of these people with various degrees of comment. This ranged from "You're a hard man Ger Smyth" to "You mean, money grabbing son of a bitch".

All in all the "maybe's" were OK apart from a couple who I had to put on my "no effing way" list as they refused to answer to by knocking. My physical wellbeing intact I made my way back to the house and deposited the collected monies on the table.

"Not bad" says the ould lad checking me for external injuries
"That's half the total, give or take a few pounds" says I

He checked the slips against the money and I knew he wasn't checking up on me, he was checking on the actual people I had collected from. By a process of elimination he had also worked out in his head the ones I had to approach tomorrow. He got up and went to the kitchen cupboard and retrieved a bottle of brandy and two glasses. FFS what was this, was I to share in his prized brandy. He filled two glasses.

"Here's to tomorrow" says he "It's going to be a tough one"

We toasted my impending doom....

FML.. the "no effing way's" to follow

Contd.....

[duke3016]

[duke3016]

They day started well when at my first house a flock of Geese attacked me. Now if you have never encountered this, you are lucky, it is not nice. They are the most viscous, protective, mean SOB's. They have absolutely no fear and just do not give up. A few well placed raps with my trusty hurley and I made it to the door. As I had made it past the first line of defence they were not inclined to put up any resistance and I got a good percentage of the money owed. I knew they were not rolling in it so I accepted their offer and was on my way.

The day was a real slog and I was at the end of my tether when I hit one of the houses I was dreading. I had deliberately left this one to last. I don't know if you remember the story about the fight in Killaloe with the Kelly boys but their house was next on the list. Now Mary had gone off and only the menfolk remained. We had got on OK since she left, but my chore was not going to make them best pleased.

I decided to drive up to the door, if only to have a means of a fast getaway. I got out of the car and the front door opened and their raggedy arsed Alsatian shot out with fangs glistening in the evening sun. Now I have always had a way with dogs, they love to take lumps out of me. Fortunately this particular animal was a big favourite of Mary's and just as he was about to rip my throat out, he recognised me and slid to a halt nuzzling at my shaking body.

"Useless mutt" I heard old man Kelly mutter from within.
"Mr Kelly, you got a minute" says I

He strode out of the house and came towards me. Shiite, I thought, here we go.

"I suppose you want paying" says he "Heard you were on your rounds"
"That would be nice" says I
"Take a cheque?" says he

Now whatever else you heard about this family, they were honest and so I had no bother taking a cheque. He disappeared into the house and reappeared with cheque duly written for the full amount.

I seriously looked dumfounded and he copped this.

"Did you think we wouldn't pay" says he, temper rising
"No, I knew you would" says I
"And without a fight" says he
"Now that bit I wasn't sure off" says I
"Would you have fought" says he
"Yes" says I
"Thought so, not worth the hassle, now if it was your Father" says he smiling
"I'll send him next time" says I
"Now, that would be nice" he mused.


I returned home and the ould lad looked surprised that I was still in one piece and I noticed he had the health insurance certificate open on the table. Better than a Boy Scout for being prepared my Father...

I totted up the full amount and found that I had collected approx £9,000 which was a good result and even though he would never say so I knew the ould lad was amazed at the total.

"I found out a lot today" says I
"Oh yes" says he
"Yep, When you are collecting money, 25% of the people want to hit you, 25% want to kill you and the rest are undecided." Says I
"That's why you're the man for the job" says he
"Let's make a plan for next year" says I
"Oh and what's the plan" says he
"You can effing do it next year" says I
"We'll see" says he, knowing full well it would be me.

Priceless...

[MAIR]

great story Ger

[duke3016]

Preparation is all....

So in anticipation of the APAT team events I am off to the G in Manchester tomorrow night for their £10 + one £5 rebuy or addon. Probably be playing blackjack after an hour  

DTD Saturday for the £50 deepstack - Cash after the first hour - sigh