After much persuasion, I have decided to release a range of training materials so that you too can learn to play poker the Monkeyman way. Make use of the pearls of wisdom contained within these items and you will be on your way to becoming one of the world"s leading internet pro"s, like what I am. Key products are as follows:
1) Monkeyman"s guide to crushing internet tournaments. Chapters include "Built up a chip lead? Call any bet - you"ve got them covered", "Sending emails as an aid to concentration", "Attempting bluffs that Stevie Wonder would see" and "The positive side of playing after a trip to the pub"
2) Swearing for Dummies. Are you fed up of typing "FFS" when some semi-evolved gimp ruins several hours of perfect play by hitting a 1 outer? With the aid of this book you could be cussing like a tramp after a crate of Special Brew and prove that foul language is both big and clever.
3) "Cash Razz - the way to riches"
In addition, I have a limited supply of DVDs of a pilot show that Channel 4 recorded which was to have revolutionised how poker is perceived in this country. "Bad Beat Big Brother" was intended to run for 12 weeks. The premise for the show was to see how 12 poker players would behave locked in a house cut off from the outside world without access to a deck of cards or internet connection. However, after an hour of tales about having aces cracked, Jesse May rang screaming from the commentary booth shouting "Noooooooooo, not even I can make this interesting" and the project was abandoned.
