Amateur Poker Association & Tour
Poker Forum => General Discussion => Topic started by: samuel_9 on June 03, 2011, 11:58:44 AM
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ok.. lets see how far we can go with this story .......follow the leader...there once was a man who played cards his name was ?.................
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Bob. He died.
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However,
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on his death bed the tournament specialist revealed to his son, Bob Jnr (a poker novice), his untold secret to consistent winning at No Limit Hold Em....
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But he also died.
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Bob Jnr"s funeral was attended by many many poker playing friends.
Afterwards, they all sat down to play a Tighty Sit "n" Go.
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In attendance were...
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lots of APAT regulars, mostly miserable gits who just wouldn"t let a story get going.
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Then a man arrived with a tray of Cheeky Vimto"s....and
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Dan Owston was heard to say...
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That ****e is not for me i"ll have two pints of lager and a packet of crisps please and after that i"ll have
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Double anything that Ger drinks, because
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I am determined to drink.....
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a double petrol and coke, no ice.
And as Mr Tighty was about to get the cards in the air, in walked a ..........
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A waiter with........
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a double petrol and coke, no ice.
And as Mr Tighty was about to get the cards in the air, in walked a ..........
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naked man...
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"Excuse me.." said Jack Prime, " I seem to have locked myself out of my room."
" I wonder if you could...
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jingle my jangles and play hoolies with me goolies
after that I need some help to......
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...find my hotel room as I haven"t checked in yet...
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Ever the gentleman, Tighty paused his SnG to escort the naked Jack to the receptionist to check in.
Whilst Tighty was away, the players sat around the table, started the subject about....
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Quantam Physics
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a branch of science that deals with discrete, indivisible units of energy called quanta as described by the Quantum Theory.
A theory not written by David Sklansky. This conversation obviously did not last long, so they moved on to the subject of .....
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championship marbles..
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since all present at the table had already lost all their marbles, this subject also failed to be a success, so it moved on to ...
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Suddenly a man of a sort anglo-mexican appearance wheezed in and shouted, "I"ve just come from outside, where it"s really really f**king warm and sunny. Why don"t we all go outside and do stuff instead of... you know,... this. That way we won"t hate ourselves when it rains again for the next eight to nine months for wasting our lives and stuff. VAMOS!"
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But he died. So the subject moved to fishing - which, until the recent spate of poker-related deaths, had previously been the pasttime responsible for the highest number of global fatalities per annum. The reasons for this being...
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that water and alcohol don"t mix well. Drunk fishermen, like some poker players, often think they can walk on water. So the conversation started recalling some other poker related injuries, like the time.....
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...Andy Overton took so long to make a decision 7 players at the table developed deep-vein-thrombosis.
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... and Mrs Overton once again with feeling said "what the feck were you doing in the hand anyway" Andy ignored that and spotted a familiar face in the crowd and said .........
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"there"s a familiar face"
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It was Liv Boeree!
"Hi Liv", said Andy. "It"s been a while".
"Yes" said Liv. "I"ve missed you so bad, now hows about you and Caroline come with me for an incredibly kinky threesome back in my hotel room?".
"Ok Liv, just let me play this hand" said Andy as he looked down at 7-2 os.
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then the TD came over when he noticed that everyone at the table had fallen asleep waiting on Andy to look at his cards - including Andy who was in some sort of dream.
a few minutes later Andy folded then excused himself as he needed to go to the bathroom.
Ger woke up and said......
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Beer! Feck!! James! your sh!t! Whos round is it?
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someone shouted out " it"s Jon Woodfields" round" :o .... what happened next was unbelievable........
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as in stepped Des to volunteer to buy the round on Jon"s behalf, there was such a gasp from the table that......
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...everyone died.
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Shortly after that you could hear St. Peter shouting "Welcome to the Pearly Gates Casino - Shuffle up and deal", when suddenly ..
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Tikay arrived, grabbed a microphone, and said....
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...welcome to SkyPoker, who wants to know what the prize is..........
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everyone in the Pearly Gates Casino was pleased to finally get confirmation that Tikay actually passed away in 1988 and has been presenting in zombie form ever since. Unlike Ed Giddins who, as we all know, is a...
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player in a 120 runner Double Or Nothing tourney with APAT.
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luckily, we weren"t playing on 888 as the tourney would have crashed.
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but just to be on the safe side, everyone agreed a 55-way chop.
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i did not want to do a deal so wat next
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Then a naked man appeared from a heavenly lift and said " I seem to have lost my keys to the Pearly Gates and Laxie wants to come in"...and then an Irish man with a Liverpudian accent said.........
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i hope she"s bringing a barrel of JD with her as my throat is as parched as nuns vagina
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suddenly, without warning bubbles - (jackos faithful sidekick) appeared clutching a pack of cards and a rubber length of hose....
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and asks where"s the tankard is so he can attach his hose to for an unlimited supply of warm beer
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At the mention of rubber hoses and warm beer, the naked mad and the Irishman with the Liverpudlian accent started to get all excited. They turned to Bubbles and said.....
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where are all the ladies me hungry
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bubbles.... surprised that he now had the power of speech, gestured to the men to sit at the far table. "looks like the critter wants to play some cards" said the naked crowd of people that had now gathered...
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They decided to play 6 card Omaha Hi/Lo with a 9 qualifier....
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but, but the cards............ they have pictures on them................. bubbles was the reigning top trump champion.......
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..which meant nothing at this game...nevertheless..
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everyone roared at the return of tighty
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who was grumpy from being caught in the middle of a dispute wherein many railers tried to guess the true identity of the Son of God, however he was having none of it
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after 2 hours of play and tighty still as cranky as the devil in walks irritating cashman to liven up the game
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who immediately informed him that "The Son of God" had made a decision about the last league match and that all was now well in the world. Tighty"s mood brighten just a tad, when suddenly.....
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... an apparition appeared that seemed to take the form of a ....
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leprechaun named The Duke who presented tighty with a present of a....
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APAT medal........... surely this cannot be right, tis just an item of fiction and fantasy..............
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from the warped mind of the man they call THE WEEEE MAN then.......
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......George Michael walked in and said "Did you know I won a bronze one of those in Stud ?",......at least it LOOKED like George Michael, but in fact it was.........
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a man in a gimp mask who farted a lot.
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...and then laughed in the back seat of the car after the fact.....but wait......who was this guy......it was......
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This guy:
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-U_1NIyEao90/TdMOUvGdW4I/AAAAAAAAAYA/VHlicCbCpsk/s1600/random_pineapple_01.jpg
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Yes....it was Jason Lee.....and he really did have a pineapple on his head. Unfortunately this meant he couldn"t get the gimp mask to fit properly.
So he held his bronze medal in the air and then.....