I have noticed that I wasn"t logged in for ages.
I am just not incredibly focused on Poker atm. I missed the world online championsship, but as it was on Will hill and not on the apat pokerroom, i really could not bother to open another account. And i not have a WH account.
Occassionally I play, but there are to many things happening which upset me (not on the table) but it keeps my thoughts away from poker and damages a bit my concentration.
Soon I will go the 4th funeral within 9 month, and I have to admitt that this is now pretty tough.
I am usually even though incredibly sad when someone close to me dies, but still to the outside taking it pretty tough. I get upset bout those nice meant sentences like remember tears show love. Cause I wonder if this people mean I did not love the person who died just because I not cry in public. Every loss hits me incredibly but I am not really very good in this very extroverted moaning.
What helped me I notice is the way some people who call them friends I would guess do condolences. I find them even a bit offending, but perhaps I am just old fashioned. And can"t get used to the new rather snappy style of condolences at all. Honestly I would prefer no condolence more than a snappy one. But well if you have close friends and they do either snappy or just ignore it and do none, than both is upsetting and hurtful.
Yesterday a good friend of mine died unexptected. No that it really matters actually if someone dies unexpected or not. But actually I am still pretty upset that I was asked when my granddad died was this expected. I mean after a while you can ask people this. From my view as a first sentence of condolence i find this incredibly awful and not really kind. This is why i now always add unexpected or not to prevent me from this awful question.
I am ok I would say, incredibly sad, but ok. It was an awful shock though, and this friend, Erich is his name will leave a really big empty space in everyones life. Yesterday I was crying a lot, well at home ofc. But is ok now. I still took me the rest of the week off from work. As I did really with the last 3 just had maximum a day off plus a day for funeral, and i just need a bit time for myself.
Which does not mean i am starring at the wall with a sad face. I just wander around in my thoughts. Remembering the good moments and such.
Well and getting upset bout reactions ;-) but i think that is a good thing, keeps me less sad.
The death of my granddad already damaged some friendships, so this can"t be damaged worse now.
I notice lately that I get more and more upset about assumptions, even though yes even I make assumptions sometimes not even often, only seldom. Only when I do them, wow it seems like it is an armageddon. The last time I did was really the day after my granddad died, and i got so told off for this, how i could dare and such. And it wasn"t even what i would call really an assumption. I just assumed things which are normal, to learn they might be normal but aren"t. But I shall not complain as now I can feel myself how it is when others treat you based on assumptions or how they act or react and not thinking that I might do different. So I noticed that some people keep the contact less since my granddad died, and when I ask them I get told, I am sorry but I am not feeling well myself and am sad for what reason ever and I not have the strength for your sadness?
??
I than sit there and think what on Earth. How can someone say this? or even think this? Yes I am sad so what, I lost 4 people in 9 month. But except really on the day this happens I not let it affect my life much. If someone calls me or writes me, yes I might tell the news or might say I am sad. But never ever would I do this repeatedly or even tell how much I miss someone there or there or whatever. Of course I miss them, and will never forget them. But I just have the view I would dishonour the person would I just sit and cry all time, instead of thinking the good moments. It is people"s life we have to honour and celebrate, and keep it in us, so they will never be forgotte.
I hate selfpity, and am not good in it anyway. Telling sad things can be done just as fact. Without a lot sadness in it. So I feel a bit abandoned actually, if people not contact me cause they not can handle my sadness, without even knowing if I have one.
This is really awful.
I know this post not made much sense at all, or actually no sense. But I have no diary, so I treat this blog like a diary.
Thanks anyway to all who did take the time reading it, I do hope that more funny and nice posts are coming this year. Honestly it can"t get much worse.
Please do not think I am completely mad, I am just a thoughtwanderer atm :-)
