I awoke the next morning in bad need of a lucozade and wandered into the kitchen. Well as crime scenes go it was a farce. The ould lad was setting himself up for an academy award with his "how could they do this to me" face. Sergeant Nolan was doing his Poirot impression and was failing miserably. It was all I could do not to fall about the place laughing.
The Guard's left and the ould lad reverted to type.
"Feckers wouldn't find clues if they tripped over them" says he
"Did he say he thought it was an inside job" says I
"Feck off" was the time honoured response.
"Did you talk to Ma" says I
The ould lad brightened up significantly and said that he had and that she was all concern about us and couldn't wait until she was home. She was due back on the Tuesday and I was supposed to pick her up from Shannon airport. Now that was going to be a problem because I didn't fancy spending 40 minutes in a car being quizzed by my Mother.
Plan B
"Da can't make the airport on Tuesday I have to work late" says I
"You little Shiite, you just don't want to be the first under questioning" says he
"No honest, and anyway my conscience is clear" says I
"Fecker, I'll get someone to pick her up then" says he
"Not going yourself then?" says I
"Feck off" says he
Tuesday arrived and I decided that even though I didn't have to I was going to work late and let the dust settle at home. I arrived home just as the ould lad was locking up the shop with the widest smile on his face. I wondered through to the kitchen and there was no sign of my Mother. The ould lad came in and whispered.
"She's gone to bed, she was tired after the trip" says he
"And?" says I
"Oh she is fine about it" says he
I had a bad feeling about this and decided the less time I spent alone in the company of my Mother, over the next couple of days, the better.
The next day I woke up to some loud voices in the kitchen. The Mother was letting rip.
"You evil ******, what were you ****** thinking, You *******" she screamed
"Now Brigid, look at it from my point of view" says the ould lad
"Your ******** point of view, Yours, you break my prize pottery, then you dream up a ******* scam to cover your sorry ******* ass" she continued
I decided that entering the kitchen at this stage would be hazardous to my health and was about to sneak out the front door when I heard a funny sound. It was like a hollow clang of a bell being hit by a large piece of rubber. I assumed that some large object had connected with the ould lad's head.
"Brigid please let me explain" I heard the ould lad plead
"EXPLAIN THIS" she cried as another "thunk" sounded in the kitchen. The door from the kitchen flew open and the ould lad closed it behind him and held on as numerous objects thudded against the other side.
Amidst incoherent ranting form the other side and breaking noises (one that sounded suspiciously like a window shattering) the ould lad hung on for dear life to the door.
"How did she find out" says I
"Well you know the bag with the pieces in" says he
"Aye" says I as another foreign object hit the door
"I picked up the wrong fecking bag when you were leaving and I put the bag of change into the bin bag instead of the broken pottery. Your mother went to get change this morning for the till and all hell broke loose" says he
"Looks like it" says I
"What are we going to do" says he
"I don't know about you, but I'm off" says I
"Ger, you can't" says he
"Watch me" says I, as I literally ran out of the door hearing a particularly loud rending crash from the kitchen.
I felt a wee bit bad after a while, after all I was party to the deception. I rang work from the phone box and took a day's holiday and went back to face the music.
The kitchen was a sight, there wasn't an intact plate in the place, the back window was broken and the cooker was at an angle. The door to the hall was pitted with holes where numerous sharp objects had hit it and my Mother was at the table drinking a cup of tea from what looked like the only cup in one piece.
"Did you know about this" says she
"Yes" whispered I
"And you went along with it" says she
"Not much choice" says I
"I wouldn't have minded if he told the truth" says she
"Where is he?" says I
"Off to Limerick to get a complete new set of crockery and a new cooker. While he is there he is also going to get me all the things I have been asking for lately" says she
For the ould lad having to spend all that money was worse than a bad beating.
"I am going to milk this for days to come" says she "I will now have all the things I have wanted that he would always have an excuse not to get. Not anymore"
"And do you know what?" says she
"What?" says I
"I never liked that fecking dolphin anyway"
Priceless
