Duke attempts the Impossible

[duke3016]

Now there are a number of people in this little old world of ours who believe in fairies, ghosts and other things to do with the supernatural.

Now I must say that I do not fall into this category.

We lost 4 priests in the parish, in quick succession, a good few years ago and of course it was because they had moved into a new bungalow that was built on a mass path in a direct line between two fairy forts.

Of course it had nothing to do with the fact that they were all in their 90's before they arrived.


The first wife had a habit of going to clairvoyants at least twice a year and coming back and pontificating on how accurate and insightful they were.

"She told me I was in Dublin recently" --- FFS nice generalisation
"She told me I would have a career change in the future" --- Eyes to heaven
"You don't believe this do you" --- big sigh
"I can tell" --- FFS become a clairvoyant yourself, you are soooo good
"We then talked about you" --- FFS here it comes
"She said that when you were quiet it wasn't anything sinister and I was to leave you alone"

"I always told you these people know what they are talking about" says I

Never one to miss and opportunity and change sides me !!!!!

[duke3016]

Had a cold call at home the other night.

"Hello, can I speak to Mr Smyth please" says the voice
"Speaking" says I

Voice gets brighter..

"It's Brian here from BT, have I got a deal for you" says smart lad
sigh here we go, I don"t reply
"Hello" panic in smart lads voice
"I'm here" says I
"Is it ok if I ask you a few questions" says perky boy
"Fire away" says I

"Do you use you mobile a lot" says smiley
"Yes, quite a lot actually" says I
"I can save you a packet then" says enthusiastic man
"Bet you can't" says I
"Ah a challenge Mr Smyth, Good, Good" gushes kindergarden kid

"How much do you pay for your calls" says bright as a button boy
"Nothing" says I
"Good, good, now how much is your contract per month" says still enthused lad
"Nothing" says I

"Nothing, Company phone then" says deflated child
"Yep" says sadistic man

Phone goes dead ... priceless

[duke3016]

See you all in Walsall tomorrow, no wee drop of the white stuff is going to keep me away..........

[duke3016]

watch out Walsall - decided to play a little poker on line tonight.

2 STT"s  1st & 3rd

[duke3016]

The trip to Walsall was terrific and very enjoyable. Played pretty OK for a goodly while and then in a lapse of concentration I made a call that was silly in the extreme and never recovered. We will chalk that down to experience. The wee man enjoyed the day immensely and now that you have met him it's time for the cringing stories about the children that they would rather you never posted.

You know, the embarrassing stories that Fathers come out with on their daughter's wedding day..

The wee man was about 3 years old and went through a phase of hating being dressed and would strip off at a moments notice and walk around in the buff.

One day the door was rapped and his mother went to answer it. It was the Jehovah's Witnesses, and if it was me at the door they would have been told politely but firmly that I was not interested. But Gabrielle would listen to them and even invite them in sometimes. Now I am not knocking the group as a whole or their dedication, but it's not for me.

Anyway they were well into their spiel when the wee man upped sticks and sauntered out into the hall. He stood beside his mother and got the usual ohh's and ahh's from the people at the door. He then proceeded to take all his clothes off and pose in front of the assembled people at the door whilst scatching at his nether regions.

Well, they didn't where to put themselves and made excuses and left in a hurry. I dare say that is not a tactic he would employ now..

priceless

[duke3016]

[duke3016]

[SirPercival]

[duke3016]

[MAIR]

Your always gr8 Ger was wonderful to see you during the weekend, always a pleasure to be in your company.

[duke3016]

[Robert HM]

"twas good to see you and yours this weekend Ger.

[duke3016]

[duke3016]

In 1989 the company I work for took over a larger retail company and we inherited various warehouses around the country. One such warehouse was a freezer shed in Stratford, east London.

I was sent down to investigate the layout with a view to integrating it into our WMS system. Now the workers in this depot were mostly ex-dockers and were as hard as nails. You know the type, they would be working in the freezer in their shirt sleeves whilst moving pallets around without the aid of a forklift.

I was in the freezer investigating the racking layout and labelling system with the then depot manager. We had attracted a crowd of onlookers in a semi circle behind us as we discussed the situation.

"How difficult will it be to load the existing map and inventory" says the manager
"Not to hard, we just need to measure it up and collect the X,Y,Z co-ordinates" says I
"We can then uplift the current inventory from your legacy systems.

I looked around and the brows were furrowed in the crowd behind us.

"The only thing though" says I "is that we will have to make your aisles numeric"

The aisles had letter demarcation and at that time we needed them to be numeric. Well the spokesman of the crowd moved forward coming towards me. I was in full freezer gear and he had shorts and a tee shirt. He had tattoos on top of tattoos, with a large "I love Mum" on his huge bicep.

He stood in front of me, looked down (and I ain't exactly tiny)  and uttered the immortal words.

"I like letters"

Good job I was a couple of hundred miles away when we went numeric..

Priceless..

[duke3016]