When we were building the shop we lived in our other house in the village. Now this house was well over 100 years old and at night made more noise that a couple of copulating skeletons on a tin roof. Now things like that didn't bother me back then for I was a healthy sceptic when it come to things that go bump in the night.
My bedroom overlooked the church graveyard, with its assortment of burial plots. Now I don't know if you are aware that nearly all graves face the same way, however any clergy buried in the same graveyard face the opposite way. Something about the way it used to be at mass when the priest used to have his back to the congregation.
Another difference in the Bodyke graveyard is that whilst the normal flock have their graves filled in with the earth excavated from the grave, the priest is encased in a tomb like structure with the top at ground level and concrete sides.
Anyway, early one morning there was an almighty crash that seemed to come from the graveyard. I bolted out of the bed and looked out the window. It was a dark dismal night and the soft winter rain was being blown across the graveyard. I could see nothing over there.
My parent's room was down the corridor and didn't overlook the graveyard and the ould lad's door crashed open and he ran into the corridor.
“What the Feck was that” he said staring out the window
“It came from the graveyard” says I
“No Shiite, well go on then, go over and take a look” says he “NOW”
FML
I got fully dressed and went downstairs and collected a flashlight. Just as I was about to open the door there was another crash similar to the first.
“Now what the Feck was that” shouted the ould lad
“Get the feck over there” he continued
It was alright for him he was upstairs in the warm.
“Why don't you fecking go” says I
“I'm looking after your mother” replied he like a shot
What the feck did he think was over there that kept him upstairs with a shotgun pointed out the window. Did he know something I didn't?
I opened the door and switched on the flashlight. Well I might as well have squeezed a glow worm for all the light it gave me. As I was banging the flashlight off the wall in the vain hope of some light, there was another crash. Now that I was outside it sounded really loud and my non superstitious nature was having a real old ding dong with my previously dormant, but now highly active, superstitious nature.
“Well” roared the ould lad
“Well fecking what” shouted I, sounding like a ruptured earwig as my throat got suddenly very dry.
I looked down the road in a vain hope that some other brave (or foolish) soul would be about to investigate. Not a soul in sight, although I could have sworn that I saw some curtains twitch. Feck 'em.
The rain was coming down steadily with a soft breeze from the West as I crept across the road. I opened the gate to the churchyard and its rusty hinges groaned in sudden loud protest. FFS was this the gate to the Adams Family Mansion
I looked to the left and to where 3 priest's graves should be, there was no outline of the huge St Bridget's Cross headstones. Now my throat had had a word with the blood supply to my heart and it was thumping overtime in sympathy.
The brain now joined in and flatly refused to give the order to the feet to move. I just hoped my arse was going to stay out of this, I was rooted to the spot. FFS get a grip, I shook my head and walked forward.
“See anything” roared the ould lad out the window.
FFS draw attention to me why don't you, you fecking eejit. If Burke & Hare were here, they now knew I was here.
I reached the first grave and it was an absolute mess, the pathetic excuse for a light showed that the grave had imploded and the headstone with no support of the top of the tomb had simply fallen forward. It was the same with the other two.
I leant in to look into the second one and could make out the smashed coffin at the base of the rubble, when suddenly the ground gave what felt like a little shudder and the rubble in each of the graves settled with a noise that frightened the living Shiite out of me.
Each grave seemed to sigh with the pressure and I was hearing all sorts of noises in my head, the one that was the loudest of all was saying.
“WTF are you up to over there”
Well that shook me from my paralysis and I looked around the rest of the graveyard and all was well with the world.
“It's fine” says I “just a couple of headstones have collapsed”
You'd have thought that I was Moses parting the waves, because as soon as I spoke those words people appeared from out of their houses bravely coming to my aid.
“Good man yourself Ger” said Pat Malone “I was just on my way, couldn't find me shoes”
“Rightmaybe a little leprechaun hid all the shoes in the village for the last 15 minutes.” Says I
I went back in home.
“Took your time” said the ould lad unbuckling the ammunition belt from around his waist.
“Feck off” says I and went back to bed
Anyway it took a couple of days to repair the site after we were informed by some structural chappy that the first grave had been set up with substandard concrete and tree roots had caused the sides to crack and eventually implode and the other two just fell in out of sympathy.
Good days
