Duke attempts the Impossible

[duke3016]

You know when it comes to a species trying to survive, the Giant Panda really doesn't help its cause. It would seem that the female only has one day every year when sex is productive.

Reminds me of my ex wife.

[duke3016]

Oh and no more snogging under the mistletoe, the national trust has said it will disappear within two decades because of the way it is collected. Bugger, better start stockpiling now, it's the only thing that makes Christmas bearable.

[TightEnd]

#martinjol says his friendship with #chrishughton means he is not interested in the #newcastle job. @CaulkinTheTimes

[duke3016]

#martinjol says his friendship with #chrishughton means he is not interested in the #newcastle job. @CaulkinTheTimes

Friends in that bear pit is a rare commodity

[duke3016]

Singer Nick Cave has driven his Jaguar into a speed camera and roadside barrier on Hove seafront. (BBC News)

Hired by Kinfishy maybe

[duke3016]

Now Christmas parties have various Festivity Levels

Festivity Level 1:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d"oeuvres.

Festivity Level 2:
Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d"oeuvres.

Festivity Level 3:
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can"t get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples" drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d"oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level 4:
Your guests, hors d"oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
Christmas tree.  The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own a gun, in which case you can go to level 4.  The best way to get to level 3 is liberal amounts of cheap whiskey.

[Waz1892]

Out tonight for a Xmas meal + drinks with the teachers at the local school...should be fun!

I"ll let you know what level was achieved!

[duke3016]

So it's that time of year again, you know, Christmas. The time of blatant commercialism, spamming emails, irritating advertisements and cheery people who for the rest of the year are miserable toe rags. (at least I am consistent) It's the time of year to salve your conscience by visiting people you couldn't be bothered visiting during the last 12 months.

I received a Christmas card, hand delivered last night. Oh, I thought, someone is making an effort, maybe I am wrong about this time of year. Maybe someone has taken the time to find out who I am and have written a personal greeting to myself and my family. It read "To all at number 2 from all at number 1". I rest my case (if they are expecting a "To all at number 1 from all at number 2" they will have a very long wait)

This is from the same people who can be seen tutting at their window when I put my beer bottles out on recycling day. These are the same people who bitch and moan about the price of electricity as they light up their enormous Snowman and reindeer using more juice than a small town in Yorkshire.

If you have small children it is nice to make an effort. I haven't so I won't....

[duke3016]

[duke3016]

The Twelve Days of Christmas.

On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
A crash into a fallen tree.

On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Two speeding fines,
And a crash into a fallen tree.

On the third day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Three Airport Strikes,
Two speeding fines,
And a crash into a fallen tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Four calling salesmen,
Three Airport Strikes,
Two speeding fines,
And a crash into a fallen tree..

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Five fecking bills,
Four calling salesmen,
Three Airport Strikes,
Two speeding fines,
And a crash into a fallen tree..

On the sixth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Six feet of snow,
Five fecking bills,
Four calling salesmen,
Three Airport Strikes,
Two speeding fines,
And a crash into a fallen tree..

On the seventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Seven swans with bird flu,
Six feet of snow,
Five fecking bills,
Four calling salesmen,
Three Airport Strikes,
Two speeding fines,
And a crash into a fallen tree..

On the eighth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Eight maids with child,
Seven swans with bird flu,
Six feet of snow,
Five fecking bills,
Four calling salesmen,
Three Airport Strikes,
Two speeding fines,
And a crash into a fallen tree..

On the ninth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Nine ladies screaming,
Eight maids with child,
Seven swans with bird flu,
Six feet of snow,
Five fecking bills,
Four calling salesmen,
Three Airport Strikes,
Two speeding fines,
And a crash into a fallen tree..

On the tenth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Ten people to buy for,
Nine ladies screaming,
Eight maids with child,
Seven swans with bird flu,
Six feet of snow,
Five fecking bills,
Four calling salesmen,
Three Airport Strikes,
Two speeding fines,
And a crash into a fallen tree..

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Eleven pipes a-busted,
Ten people to buy for,
Nine ladies screaming,
Eight maids with child,
Seven swans with bird flu,
Six feet of snow,
Five fecking bills,
Four calling salesmen,
Three Airport Strikes,
Two speeding fines,
And a crash into a fallen tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Twelve hangovers drumming,
Eleven pipes a-busted,
Ten people to buy for,
Nine ladies screaming,
Eight maids with child,
Seven swans with bird flu,
Six feet of snow,
Five fecking bills,
Four calling salesmen,
Three Airport Strikes,
Two speeding fines,
And a crash into a fallen tree.


Humbug......................

[duke3016]

I read today about how to make the proper Margarita.

35ml tequila
20ml Cointreau
35ml lime juice
Handful of ice cubes
Lime wedge to garnish

Preparation Method
1.   Pour the Tequila, Cointreau and lime juice into a cocktail shaker.
2.   Add a handful of ice cubes and shake vigorously for 10-15 seconds.
3.   Strain into a Martini glass with half the rim damped with water, then dipped in salt.
4.   Add a lime wedge on the rim by way of garnish.


Duke's alternative

Half pint tequila
Quarter pint Cointreau
Handful of ice cubes

Preparation Method

1.   Chuck them all in a pint glass and consume.

[duke3016]

Out tonight for a Xmas meal + drinks with the teachers at the local school...should be fun!

I"ll let you know what level was achieved!

If people are attending work"s Xmas parties with their partners, this is a good read

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-11950846

[duke3016]

[duke3016]

Total time logged in: 113 days, 13 hours and 37 minutes. 6,000 posts - must get out more  

[Chipaccrual]

Total time logged in: 113 days, 13 hours and 37 minutes. 6,000 posts - must get out more  

Welcome to the 6k club.  Tighty, Des (And he cheated his membership   ) and myself welcome you in.