Author Topic: Duke attempts the Impossible  (Read 1412767 times)

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duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #180 on: January 25, 2009, 17:11:58 PM »
Have any of you had the pleasure to visit the lovely Laxie, her husband Timothy and her great children in their home town of Knocknagree. It"s an experience and I will post about the times I have visited.

However if you do visit there are a few essentials that are required

Clothes (can"t be scaring the natives)

Smellies (can"t forewarn them you are in town)

Spare liver (have you seen them two drink !!!)

Camera (you might need some blackmail leverage)

Phone (I have a feeling you might need to call the emergency services)

Euros (Re mortgaged to cover the weekend)

Fast Car (obv IMO)

Copy of Ted Harringtons ("How to deal with people who think 10 5 is the new AA)  -- Timothy back me up on that one

Personal phone number of Michael O"Leary (Ryanair are bound to lose your bag)

Earplugs (Think about it)

Luck (especially when playing young Sarah at Hold em -- she owned me LOL)

priceless

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #181 on: January 25, 2009, 17:17:19 PM »
In May last year I paid a visit to Laxie Towers and its was a gas.....

Landed in Cork airport, which was awash with song and merriment due to the hordes of Munster rugby fans on their way to Cardiff. Laxie was there to greet me and we headed off to their home village.

Headed off !!!! Laxie does a superb impression of driving whilst..

1) Not looking at the road

2) Never drawing breath between sentences

3) Always being in the wrong lane - however Manoeuvre, signal, mirror seemed to work perfect.

4) "Who needs Sat Nav, shiite was that my turn off"

Dropped the bag, hit the pub had a couple of scoops and settled down nicely. Laxie goes to feed the multitudes and I elect to stay and keep Martin company (mistake).

Friday night game was a howl (Fking sick call to take me out tho). Tiredness did get the better of me and I took a little power nap. There are pictures I understand.

Great people, perfect environment, priceless.......

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #182 on: January 25, 2009, 17:25:50 PM »

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #183 on: January 25, 2009, 17:35:52 PM »
some memorable quotes from that weekend

"Lawrence where"s your effin sister"

"Timothy you"re not going to spill that drink in this Taxi"   ooops

"Dawn you"re not going to spill that drink in this Taxi"   ooops

"That effin refer effin ree is effin gay and the commen effin tator is first on my effin hit list"

"Where are the effin car keys, they are in the effin pub" (4.30am after coming back from Killarney - not for driving but for the front door)

"How"s the beef doing" "Fine as long as they didn"t let the dog in" (whoop whoop for the win)

"Where"s my steak" "What steak ?" as Timothy picked the bits out of his teeth at 5am

"Whats that smell" (Pizza was being warmed up in the oven at 5am still in its cardboard box)

"effin sick call" -- "But it was you dude"

"Meet Ger - He"s the man who fell asleep on your Mother last Friday" FML

"Do you teach my children" Woman to Lawrence at the concert

"No coaching at the table"  "I"m not coaching - go all in Margaret"

"Are you going to take for those drinks"

"Dawn ? how many can you fit for the beef - OK let me make a few calls"

"Is this a nice pub -- lets see"  (Sunday)

"I"ll tune it up for you" Duke to Baby (96 yrs old) the TV the TV !!

"Did you give out the flyers" "No Mam we stuck them on cars - after we removed the florist"s ones"

"If Midge Ure doesn"t do Vienna there WILL be trouble"

"That effin bouncer has it in for me"

"Martin what will your tv be when it grows up"

to be continued......................

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #184 on: January 25, 2009, 17:49:30 PM »

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #185 on: January 25, 2009, 18:53:45 PM »

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #186 on: January 25, 2009, 20:29:25 PM »

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #187 on: January 25, 2009, 20:58:07 PM »
I attended a "Well Person's" clinic a while back at the Doctor's surgery and it went something like this.

Nurse: Before we start lets just take some blood and ask a few questions
Nurse: (sticking HUGE needle in my arm) Stop squirming
Nurse: Now Mr Smyth do you smoke ?
Me: Yes

Nurse: Cut that out. Do you drink ?
Me: Yes

Nurse: How many units a week?
Me: What's a unit?

Nurse: A small glass of wine or half a pint of beer
Me: How many units am I allowed?

Nurse: 28 units a week maximum and no more than 6 units a night
Me: Ooops buggered the weeks quota last night.
Nurse: Well cut it down to the recommended amount

Nurse: Do you eat red meat
Me: Yes

Nurse: Cut that out. Do you have fried food?
Me: yes

Nurse: Cut that out.. Now on these scales please, thank you now under this, thank you. Mr Smyth your BMI says that you are Fat bordering on obese. We need to structure a diet.

Nurse: First indications would indicate that your cholesterol is also way too high and the diet will reflect this.

So it looks like my life expectancy is around 15 minutes unless I, Stop smoking, Stop drinking and Stop eating. Then it would be about 1 week because I am medically fat and can live off that.

However I have no intention of adhering to Sister Attila the Hun and I will live until I die.

All the best off to change my will.

Laxie

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #188 on: January 25, 2009, 21:00:20 PM »
Look man.  I don"t care how long you go on about it...I knew I had ya beat!  Sick call me eye.  Cheeky pup.

As for having an argument with the barman...fecker was trying to stuff us for an extra drink because he heard the Yank accent.  "Oh hell no" said I.  Management showed up and told ME to pay more attention in future.  "Ummmmmm, if it weren"t for me paying attention in the first place, we wouldn"t be having this conversation."  Langer.

AND...10 5 os in that crowd is a perfectly respectable hand to bust someone out with.  You were there.  You know it"s true. 

When are ya calling again?  We miss ya.

Waz1892

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #189 on: January 25, 2009, 21:02:34 PM »

I attended a "Well Person's" clinic a while back at the Doctor's surgery and it went something like this.

Nurse: Before we start lets just take some blood and ask a few questions
Nurse: (sticking HUGE needle in my arm) Stop squirming
Nurse: Now Mr Smyth do you smoke ?
Me: Yes

Nurse: Cut that out. Do you drink ?
Me: Yes

Nurse: How many units a week?
Me: What's a unit?

Nurse: A small glass of wine or half a pint of beer
Me: How many units am I allowed?

Nurse: 28 units a week maximum and no more than 6 units a night
Me: Ooops buggered the weeks quota last night.
Nurse: Well cut it down to the recommended amount

Nurse: Do you eat red meat
Me: Yes

Nurse: Cut that out. Do you have fried food?
Me: yes

Nurse: Cut that out.. Now on these scales please, thank you now under this, thank you. Mr Smyth your BMI says that you are Fat bordering on obese. We need to structure a diet.

Nurse: First indications would indicate that your cholesterol is also way too high and the diet will reflect this.

So it looks like my life expectancy is around 15 minutes unless I, Stop smoking, Stop drinking and Stop eating. Then it would be about 1 week because I am medically fat and can live off that.

However I have no intention of adhering to Sister Attila the Hun and I will live until I die.

All the best off to change my will.


without your lifestyle they"d be no stories to blog...without no blog...many lifes would be pointless...so TY..your doing a very selfless thing..Nurse Hun should be thankful of this
Carpe Diem
Member of East of England Poker Club
Team member APAT forum 2013




duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #190 on: January 25, 2009, 21:05:35 PM »

When are ya calling again?  We miss ya.


I am hatching a plan as I type

technolog

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #191 on: January 25, 2009, 23:18:40 PM »

Happy Birthday to Technolog..............

Have a good day Jack



Cheers Ger - been out all day and just saw this.




duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #192 on: January 26, 2009, 17:32:41 PM »
My mother had a stoke in the early 90's and for all intents and purposes lost the use of her right arm and had limited use in her right leg. When she was in hospital the only thing that worried her was the fact that she couldn't sign cheques in order to pay her bills. I told her not to worry and that I would sort that out.

Now my mother had a bit of a temper and she told me in no uncertain terms that she had always paid her way and that wouldn't stop now just because she couldn't use her right hand. So I said I would go down to the bank to see what could be done.

Now I had a very low opinion of banks seeing as how I was broke most of the time and the only correspondence was them was of a threatening kind so it was with a little trepidation that I rang up and made an appointment with the Manager.

I arrived for the meeting and was ushered into his office.

"Can I help you?"

I introduced myself and explained the situation and he looked at me from over his glasses.

"Mr Smyth I will send a clerk to the hospital to take an alternative signature from your Mother" says he
"Her right hand is out of action" says I
"If she spits on the check I will honour it" says he

Wouldn't happen today.

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #193 on: January 26, 2009, 17:44:26 PM »
Now I know that there are various of you out there who have differing accents and sayings so I thought I"d share a few Irish ones with you and their explanation. Mayber you could share some of yours

Acting the Maggot (expression)

Fooling about in a somewhat boisterous manner

(usage) "Anto will you stop acting de maggot and give the ould wan back her wheelchair"


Craic (n)

Fun

(usage) "There"s some great craic to be found in that pub on the corner (Note: Misinterpretation of this expression has led to several arrests of foreign visitors who were caught trying to purchase a particular illicit drug)

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #194 on: January 26, 2009, 17:49:02 PM »
My mother was let out of hospital and returned home and I arranged for her to have one of those alarm thingy's around her neck.  Now when pressed, the company would ring the house and if it got no answer, they would then ring three designated numbers in order to get the situation assessed and if that failed they would ring the Guards. Good idea really.

Anyway, one morning my mother was getting out of bed (we had moved the bed downstairs) and she fell and was unable to get up again so she pressed the alarm. She couldn't reach the phone when it rang so the designated people were rang. I understand that it was funny with lights coming on and people legging it up the road to the house. They all had a spare key but my mother, when locking up that night, had left the key in the door so they couldn't open the door.

They shouted in and my mother answered and they were thinking of a way to get in when one of the Maloney children walked past on his way to school. There was a small window open upstairs that a child could squeeze through so they got a ladder and shoved the poor child up.

The wee lad got in and was directed down the stairs to where my mother was and was instructed to open the door, As he passed the door to the room where my mother was he looked in...

"Good morning, what's your name young Maloney" says my mother
"John" says the lad
"Do you want a sweet" says my mother still lying on the floor in her nightie
"Oh yes" says the young lad and walked into the room

Well he sat down and they were having a grand conversation until a voice boomed from outside.

"Open the fecking door you little fecking eejit"

Good people, great village, priceless