I arrived home from work one evening and found my Mother & Father in a huddle at the back of the shop. Their faces were solemn and their tones were hushed. As I entered the shop they stopped talking and looked at me.
FML what have I done now, I tried to think what I had done lately and my excuses were ready whatever it was.
"Can we have a word" says the ould lad.
FFS he was being polite now I was worried, it was always the way the calm before the storm broke.
"Sure" says I
The ould lad went to the front of the shop and locked the door. OMG he never shut the shop ever, even when he broke his arm and I had to take him to casualty he waited until my mother was ready to sit at the till. We retired in an orderly fashion to the kitchen and I checked my escape routes.
The back door was probably locked so the fastest route out would be through the hall into my bedroom and out the window. I tensed myself for the rapid exit.
"It's about Maria" says the ould lad.
Thank Feck for that, Maria is my sister and was living in England.
"What's the problem" says I, now so relieved I was in high spirits
"She is getting married" says the ould lad.
"To who" says I
After a withering look, the ould lad said "To Mike of course"
"And is that a problem" says I
"God No" they both chorused
Of course it was ok, Mike was a headmaster in a large school in London and was a Catholic. Good Son in law material that.
"So what's the bother" says I
"We want to go" says the ould lad
So that was it, the bluff ould bugger didn't want to ask (or tell) me outright that he wanted me to mind the shop while they went off to England. To be honest I didn't really want to go anyway as it would be a stuffy affair bereft of drunkenness and violence.
"I'll see if I can take a few days off work and mind the shop for you" says I
"Good boy" says the ould lad "I'll pay you for loss of wages"
"I get paid holidays Da" says I
"Never mind that I'll slip you a few pounds for your trouble" says he
FFS what had happened, That bright light I saw last night must have been aliens who have taken the ould lad away and replaced him with this upsetting Mr Nice Guy.
They prepared for the trip and were about to set off for four days in England. Just before he got into the car he returned to where I was standing at the door.
"You will of course be liable for any losses incurred during the time I am away"
FFS the aliens had got fed up and put the ould lad back.
Priceless
