The Emperors New Thread
Once upon a time, in a land far away there lived an Emperor...
... who was so exceedingly fond of fine pronouncements that he spent vast sums of time on posting on the APAT forum. To him posts meant more than anything else in the world. He took no interest in his army, nor did he care to go to the theatre, or to drive about in his state coach.
In the great forum where he lived life was gay and strangers were always coming and going. Everyone knew about the Emperor"s passion for policy announcements.
Now one fine day two swindlers ...
... calling themselves spin doctors, arrived. They declared that they could make the most magnificent Forum Thread that one could imagine; words of most sophisticated and subtle eloquence. Not only were the words so beautiful, but they had the special power of being invisible to everyone who was stupid or not fit for his position.
"What a splendid idea," thought the Emperor. "What a useful post to have. If I had such a thread I could know at once which of my people is stupid or unfit for his position."
So the Emperor gave the swindlers large sums of money and the two spin doctors set up their laptops in the palace. They demanded the finest wine and the finest gold and they pretended to work at their MS Word. But they put nothing in the hard disk. The document stood empty. The wine and gold they stuffed into their bags. So they sat pretending to type, and continued to work at the empty laptop till late into the night. Night after night they went home with their money and their bags full of the finest wine and gold. Day after day they pretended to work.
Now the Emperor was eager to know how much of the announcement was finished, and would have loved to see for himself. He was, however, somewhat uneasy. "Suppose," he thought secretly, "suppose I am unable to see the words. That would mean I am either stupid or unfit for my position. That cannot be," he thought, but all the same he decided to send for his faithful old minister to go and see. "He will best be able to see how the document looks. He is far from stupid and splendid at his work."
So the faithful old minister...
...went into the hall where the two spin doctors sat beside the empty hard disk pretending to work with all their might.
The Emperor"s minister opened his eyes wide. "Upon my life!" he thought. "I see nothing at all, nothing." But he did not say so.
The two swindlers begged him to come nearer and asked him how he liked it. "Are not the words exquisite, and see how intricate is the wordplay," they said. The poor old minister stared and stared. Still he could see nothing, for there was nothing. But he did not dare to say he saw nothing. "Nobody must find out,"" thought he. "I must never confess that I could not see the stuff."
"Well," said one of the rascals. "You do not say whether it pleases you."
"Oh, it is beautiful - most excellent, to be sure. Such beautiful formatting, such exquisite colours. I shall tell the Emperor how enchanted I am with the announcement."
"We are very glad to hear that," said the spin doctors, and they started to describe the colours and word play in great detail. The old minister listened very carefully so that he could repeat the description to the Emperor. They also demanded more money and more gold, and Guinness, saying that they needed it to finish the post. But, of course, they put all they were given into their bags and pockets and kept on working at their empty hard disk.
Soon after this the Emperor sent another official...
... to see how the men were getting on and to ask whether the announcement would soon be ready. Exactly the same happened with him as with the minister. He stood and stared, but as there was nothing to be seen, he could see nothing.
"Is not the formatting beautiful?" said the swindlers, and again they talked of "the wordplay and the exquisite colours. "Stupid I certainly am not," thought the official. "Then I must be unfit for my position. But nobody shall know that I could not see the document." Then he praised the words he did not see and declared that he was delighted with the colours and the marvelous word play.
To the Emperor he said when he returned, "The post the spin doctors are preparing is truly magnificent."
Everybody in the city had heard of the upcoming announcement and were talking about the splendid post.
And now the Emperor was curious to see the costly stuff for himself while it was still upon the laptop. Accompanied by a number of selected ministers, among whom were the two poor ministers who had already been before, the Emperor went to the spin doctors. There they sat in front of the empty document, pretending to type more diligently than ever, yet without a single word upon the page.
"Is not the pronouncement magnificent?" said the two ministers. "See here, the splendid wordplay, the glorious formatting." Each pointed to the empty page. Each thought that the other could see the words.
"What can this mean?" said the Emperor to himself. "This is terrible. Am I so stupid? Am I not fit to be Emperor? This is disastrous," he thought. But aloud he said, "Oh, the announcement is perfectly wonderful. It has splendid formatting and such charming metaphors." And he nodded his approval and smiled appreciatively and stared at the empty page. He would not, he could not, admit he saw nothing, when his two ministers had praised the document so highly. And all his men looked and looked at the empty page. Not one of them saw anything there at all. Nevertheless, they all said, "Oh, this post is magnificent."
They advised the Emperor to start a new thread with this post immediately.
"Magnificent." "Excellent." "Exquisite," went from mouth to mouth and everyone was pleased. Each of the swindlers was given lots of Guinness and the title of "Knight of the Laptop".
The rascals sat up all that night and worked, burning more than sixteen candles, so that everyone could see how busy they were finishing the pronouncement ready for the new thread.
There was great excitement in the palace and the Emperor"s new thread was the talk of the town. At last the spin doctors declared that the post was ready. Then the Emperor, with the most distinguished gentlemen of the court, came to the spin doctors to start his new thread. Each of the swindlers took it in turn to press ctl+A (even though there was nothing to select) and ctl+C (even though there was nothing to copy) before jointly pressing ctl+V (even though there was nothing to paste), before allowing the Emperor with his majestic authority to click on Save.
"Magnificent," cried the ministers, but they could see nothing at all. Indeed there was nothing to be seen.
And so the the Emperors New Thread was posted, with his new grand announcement.
It was a great success. All the people standing by in IE and Firefox cheered and posted, "Oh, how splendid is the Emperor"s new thread. What a magnificent allegory! How well the metaphors fit!" No one dared to admit that he couldn"t see anything, for who would want it to be known that he was either stupid or unfit for his position?
None of the Emperor"s posts had ever met with such success.
But among the crowds a dashing cowboy ...
... suddenly gasped out, "But it hasn"t got anything in it." And the people began to whisper to one another what the cowboy had said. "It hasn"t got anything in it." "There"s a dashing cowboy saying it hasn"t got anything in it." Till everyone was saying, "But it hasn"t got anything in it." The Emperor himself had the uncomfortable feeling that what they were whispering was only too true.
"Maybe I should have all their heads cut off" he said to himself.
But instead he decided to put on a series of low entry fee, deep stack, long blind, poker tournaments instead.
And everybody lived happily ever after.
